I just finished the Faraway Nearby by Rebecca Solnit. Unintentionally, I have entered a description of Alzheimer’s again. The book is a memoir, but Solnit’s mother has the disease. She discusses her mother’s situation from a daughter’s perspective as it fits into other major events such as breast cancer, a sojourn in Iceland, a friend’s death, and another friend’s giving birth. The book was mentioned on So Many Books blog, but I don’t recall her talking about the Alzheimer’s so much.
I was struck by similarities with The Geography of Memory by Jeanne Walker, another daughter whose mother had Alzheimer’s. They both question the value of a life devoid of personal history; ask what constitutes “the self”; and observe that as the disease progresses, the mind is unable to integrate past, present, and future into a coherent whole. There is only the present moment.
Living only in the present may seem like a tragedy, but Solnit points out it has its brighter side. Her mother thinks each slice of cake the best ever, each flower the most beautiful ever. There is no memory of previous cakes or flowers thus no basis for comparison. Once her mother gets settled into her dementia residence and routines, her former combativeness and frustration leaves and each day, each moment brings “new” pleasures.
Solnit’s goal becomes identifying what gives her mother pleasure and comfort and providing it. The pleasures change over time. For awhile, having a tube of lipstick became important to her mother, though her mother seldom wore it. She tried to involve her mother in picking a shade of lipstick, but soon realized the ability to focus and to interpret differences was gone. The lipstick symbolized something to her mother, but the selection process was not part of its importance. Of course, the lipstick usually disappeared fairly rapidly after purchase, but her mother was content to receive a replacement and not demand locating the lost lipstick. Eventually, this need to own lipstick disappeared as well.
Her mother also lost the ability to distinguish solid level ground from raised or uneven ground. She walked hesitantly, not knowing how to adapt her movements to changes under her feet. She didn’t lose her physical balance, but her interpretive balance to tell the difference and change her steps. Because of this, she became fearful of steps/stairs and curbs. She felt so overwhelmed, she would sit or lie down on the floor or the grass. She wasn’t falling down, just choosing to not have to make a discernment she no longer had an ability to make.
Another bright spot, was the development of a real relationship based on having need and meeting need. Solnit and her mother were never close. It was as though Solnit reminded her mother of the regrets her mother had about her own life. Feelings of jealousy arose if Solnit did well or enjoyed life. Her mother would give treats or favors to her sons with Solnit present, purposely leaving her out. Solnit coped with the perceived unfair treatment by becoming emotionally distant. When she was 17 and an opportunity came, she chose to be physically distant as well. She left home with no financial support from her parents which meant living in a fleabag hotel and going hungry often.
But with Alzheimer’s, Solnit’s mother had no memories of her regrets and bitterness, and no memories of how she treated her daughter. This lady (Solnit) with the somewhat familiar voice did nice things and brought pleasure so she liked her. Solnit tended her mother out of gratitude for how her mother cared for her when she was an infant and toddler, not out of love, but in a strange way they reconciled.
Solnit’s writings have the theme of life as story, narrative. She realizes her mother has lost her stories, that she has no compass. The book explores place, narrative, and the role they play in interpreting and giving meaning to life. She includes stories of others, even fairy tale characters and authors to make her point.
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