The Geography of Memory

One of the bloggers I follow, Diana Trautwein, often mentions her interactions with her mother who has Alzheimer’s and lives in an assisted living community. She mentioned that though her mother cannot remember the names of the employees or residents, she unfailingly greets each person she encounters with a beaming smile. Her mother has done this all of her adult life. Alzheimer’s has not taken that away from her. Diana mentioned that she was helped by a book The Geography of Memory : A Pilgrimage Through Alzheimer’s by Jeanne Murray Walker. Since many of the Grace Village residents are dealing with Alzheimer’s either personally or in a family member, I looked it up on Amazon. Very good reviews. I ordered it using our small cash donation fund.

 

The book arrived yesterday. As I read the introduction and acknowledgements, I was startled to see Lake Ridge Bible Church mentioned. This is the church I attended for the first 14 years of living in Texas. The book blurb had mentioned that the author’s mother lived in Dallas. The church is in Mesquite, a suburb. Then it mentioned that the mother lived in a Christian Care Center bungalow. This continuous care community is across the freeway and down a slope from the church. Did I know her mother? The only Murrays I knew did not have a daughter named Jeanne. She also mentioned her sister Julie and brother-in-law Rich. Could this be the Thomas couple I knew at Lake Ridge? It was not until the 4th chapter that Jeanne gives her mother’s name: Erna Kelley. Erna Kelley! Though we were not friends, we had been on a first name greeting basis. Apparently, Erna’s last name reflected her now-deceased second husband. Erna’s decline started around 2000-2001, about the time that I changed to a different church. I remember her as a classy older lady, an impeccable dresser with lots of jewelry and coordinated shoes and purses.

 

In many ways, the book is more about Jeanne than Erna. As Erna started her path into Alzheimer’s, Jeanne started a journey back into her childhood and adolescence. She lives in Philadelphia and must work with and through her sister Julie with whom she has had a cordial but not close relationship during her married life. She describes her visit to see her mother. While her mother talks on the phone, Jeanne gets a glass of water and opens the freezer for ice cubes. A package of ham falls out of the crammed freezer. Her mother has never liked ham, but when Jeanne looks at the freezer contents she sees it is mostly full of ham. That night has she is reading she wants to take some notes. She opens the desk drawer to find a pad of paper and finds a mishmash of photos, bills, letters, and coupons. Her mother has always been a meticulous filer. The now-expired coupons are for dog food. No one in her family has owned a dog in over 20 years. An uneasiness descends on Jeanne. Over the next few months she and her sister decide her mother has cognitive difficulties. When the accountant who does her mother’s taxes calls Julie to say that she has not been provided with income statements and necessary documents, in fact has been given by Erna irrelevant documents, the sisters decide to have a medical evaluation of Erna.

 

Erna knows her daughters suspect problems, but she is not ready to give up driving or her independence. She knows how to charm her doctor (and subsequent doctors) when asked evaluative questions. No, she can’t remember the 3 words the doctor gave her to remember over a few minutes, but claims Julie distracted her by talking to her. Erna was the one who initiated that conversation by trying to get Julie to tell her the 3 words while the doctor was out of the room. She always had a witty remark for the doctors when she couldn’t answer, and at that time the exam for Alzheimer’s was not very refined so they laughed at her wit and declared she had slight memory problems but nothing significant. But of course she did. As time went by, she became slovenly, disoriented, couldn’t handle her finances. The beautifully coordinated outfits became outlandish mismatched pieces. She began to talk of things in the past as though they were the present. She called Jeanne’s son Michael (his name was Jake) when she visited. He was about the age of Erna’s son Michael when he died. Though Jeanne could see some similar mannerisms, Jake did not look like Michael. 

 

However, as Jeanne thinks on her own past, she finds she can understand the illogical statements of her mother because she knows the personal history. Jeanne ends each chapter with her questions and thoughts about Alzheimer’s. What is memory? What is the self? Will her mother become a different personality?Lose herself? She decides her mother has many selves, and the control part of her brain can no longer sort them out and tell the Minnesota farm girl, the nurse, the widowed mother of 3 children, the Dallas resident apart. But because her mother was a story teller, Jeanne recognizes the past history and sees her mother uses metaphors from the past to try to communicate in the present. Her mother loses abilities, but she never loses herself. Her essence endures.

 

In the past, my ideas of Alzheimer’s were rather vague. Now it had a face. Erna was a person I knew and lived where I had lived. Since moving to Grace Village, 3 acquaintances from my former years in Winona Lake who now live at Grace Village have been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. I hope this book will help me relate better to their situation and realize that in essence they are the same ladies I knew.

 

 

 

 

Happy Birthday To Me (And Sis)

A birthday photo from 6 decades ago.

Saint Paula

While working in the library at Grace College, I audited some French classes. The professor was very good at integrating interesting cultural tidbits into his classes. One assignment was to see if there was a saint associated with our name and look on some French calendars and lists he had to determine that saint’s day. There she was—Sainte Paula in French—and the day of her commemoration is January 26th. In some cultures, your saint’s day is as important or more important than your birthday.

 

The irony is that I would end up with only one day of celebration; I was born January 26th. The internet told me that Saint Paula was born 347 A.D. of patrician roots, widowed at age 32, converted to Christianity, became an ascetic, and knew Saint Jerome. She set up a convent in the Holy Land and died at age 56 in Bethlehem. She had 5 children.

 

I had never heard of her before that French class. I wasn’t named after her. I was named for my father Paul. Her Day is coming and so is my birthday. May it be a good day.

 

Bye-Bye Boot

As of today, it has been 8 weeks since my surgery to repair a torn peroneal tendon. Yesterday I tried using the post-op shoe instead of the CAM boot. By early evening, the pain in my foot had increased. I decided to use the lace-up brace instead. That brace irritates my incision along the upper part on the ankle bone. However, today I do have the lace-up brace on with my Nike walking shoe. I will talk to the therapist tomorrow about how to transition out of it. Use the post-op shoe? Use a regular shoe? Do it for short intervals? With the cane or without the cane?

                                                             My current footwear

Should I try this next? I am already using this for short distances such as getting to the bathroom during the night.

 

This morning I wheeled the knee walker into my guest room for storage. It is retired. Without the boot, I can now drive a car again, too. Lots of important changes. Because we keep getting snow every few days, I will continue with the cane when walking outside on slick pavement. I am making progress.

Thursday’s Child

Do you have your original birth certificate issued by a doctor or hospital? Mine has prints of my little inked feet. Unfortunately, it is not considered authoritative for legal issues. I had to send for one with an official embossed seal in order to get my wedding license. The original one did state the day of the week on which I was born: Thursday.

 

The old rhyme with “Thursday’s child has far to go” came to mind. What does that mean? I did a little internet research. Some said the person will go far, be ambitious and be a success. One person thought it foretold the person would travel a lot, see the world. But those interpretations seem to ignore the weight of the word “has”, as in has to go far, must go far. Thursday’s child has a long journey ahead. That might mean a long life. However, the whole poem seems to juxtapose the negative (full of woe, far to go, works hard for a living) with the positive (fair of face, full of grace, loving and giving). Thursday appears to fall in the negative list.

 

The journey is arduously long, a struggle to overcome obstacles perhaps. But a journey to where, to what? In my case, I would say a journey to contentment, to accepting and embracing the real me; maybe even a journey to discover the real me. I am not a late bloomer, one who displays skills past the time ordinarily expected. I am a late believer, a late self-accepter who had to go through many decades before having the confidence and self-assurance to expose strengths and frailties to others. Maybe also a long way to go to be full of grace, loving and giving. That’s a journey still in progress.

 

It’s just a poem, not a predictor of one’s personality. However, it caused some good reflective moments. On what day of the week were you born?

More Selfies

“[Hope is] resting in the imperfections of today because you believe that tomorrow there is possibility.” www.thenester.com

This quote was shared by Ann Voskamp. My foot is not yet perfect, but I am starting to see real possibilities for improvement.

It is looking and feeling better. I am doing more physical therapy exercises now. These are mostly done with a band for resistance.

The main goals are to increase strength and endurance so I can get rid of the boot. I am walking now with the boot, sometimes with a cane, but around the house mostly without assistance. My best exercise in terms of easiness for me is the marble pick-up.

The band of muscles closest to my toes are quite strong already. The hardest exercises are those related to dorsiflexion, i.e., bending my foot backwards. Besides a bit of increased pain, that movement makes me feel the stiffness of my ankle. I am going to try the lace-up brace instead of the boot this weekend. I may have to rely on the cane more again. I hope in one week to start transitioning into a regular shoe. To do that, I have to be faithful in my exercises so I have a strong and stable foot. When I compare my two feet, I can see that the right foot does have some slight swelling. That may last for several more months, making shoe selection rather narrow. I don’t care what shoe I have on as long as I can freely ambulate again.

Antsy

9:30 rolled around tonight, and I felt bored. I have been doing a lot of reading and didn’t feel like starting another book. I walked around my house and noticed all of the things I would like to do but really am not quite to the place physically to do them. The Christmas CDs needing to go on the top shelf of the guestroom closet, for example. That would require climbing the step stool which I can’t do yet. The blue stain on the carpet might come out with the special spot remover, but I can’t bend down and get back up to take care of it. The Christmas wrapping and bags need to go under the bed. The box of bows should be put on the closet shelf tomorrow after I wrap a birthday present, but see above about climbing steps. The placemats and Christmas towels and other linens I emptied out of the drawer to give my husband some storage in the guestroom while he was sleeping there need to be put back but I can’t carry much. The closer I get to the end of rehab, the more impatient I feel. I am anxious to get the CAM boot off for good.

 

Today I went to physical therapy wearing the boot and using an aluminum walker. So slow for getting around. The criteria I was given about putting weight on my foot was if it significantly increases pain then ease off. But I have had hardly any pain since walking again in the boot. I get a little dull ache at the top of my ankle if I walk very far; my foot has lost strength and some stability so it starts to turn out as it tires. Thankfully, my therapist thought the range of motion was good and is allowing me to use a cane instead of the walker. That frees up a hand for carrying things. Easier to put in the car, too. He gave me a bunch of strengthening exercises, mostly with a theraband. I was originally told by the Physician’s Assistant (who I saw because the doctor could not get back to town because of the weather conditions) that I probably would wear the boot 2 more weeks. However, one of the goals of therapy is to wean off the boot and move into the lace-up brace with a regular shoe. She pointed out that the timing was a guideline, but that everybody is different, and that my therapist would help me determine the transitions. So far, he seems to think I am ahead of “schedule”. If the home exercises start building strength, I may try the brace for short periods next weekend to see how it feels. He told me if I overdid that I might notice increased pain and swelling, but that I could not damage my foot at this point. If I can get rid of the boot, I can drive a car again. A big incentive!

 

Yesterday when we arrived home from church and eating out, I noticed in the mirror that one of my earrings was gone. I had been wearing my purse bandolier style and when I took it off and on over my head it did brush against the side and my ear. Not too surprising the earring fell off somewhere. However, this morning when I dressed to go to therapy I went to get my watch from the dresser and it was not there. I remember looking at it in Applebees yesterday, but I have no recollection of taking it off last night. I can’t find it anywhere. I guess it too is lost. Getting lots of practice in “letting go.”

 

 

 

A Word or Phrase for 2014

Several of the bloggers I read have the habit of choosing a word or phrase for the new year. Gretchen Rubin, Tonia Peckover, Ann Voskamp especially have embraced this idea. A reluctant embracer is Diana Trautwein. I guess I fall more on the Diana side, but I have for a few years tried to think of a word on which to focus for a year.

 

I actually chose my phrase back at the end of October. Originally, the word generous or the word relinquish came as possibilities. We have spent so much on health care costs in retirement and earned so little on investments that I thought since we now would have reduced costs because of the new Affordable Care Act and our mutual funds are doing better we should look for ways to spend on others and increase their happiness.

 

I also considered relinquish. Relinquish has kind of a negative tone to it. Giving with regret or under force comes to mind. Then the two ideas sort of blended into “letting go”. Letting go of expectations, letting go of “rights”, letting go of the hope of being pain-free in this mortal body, letting go of accumulated funds by being more generous. Letting go of judgmental thoughts and critical spirit. Letting to of trying to control what happens in my life. Letting go and letting God.

 

This phrase stood me in good stead as I found I would need surgery and have a long rehab. No, it wasn’t 2014 yet, but this was a good practice of the concept. I had to let go of my cleaning and cooking standards and let my husband do things his way. I couldn’t be hovering over him, especially the first two weeks post-op when I was only to be up and about for bathroom duties. I had to let go of the ability to drive. I had to let go of easily getting about and out.

 

I learned long ago that living in a place where heavy snow, drifting, even blizzards can change your schedule, you have to let go. I have experienced plenty of that this week. We didn’t go to church because lots of snow was predicted and getting around on a knee walker is hard enough in good conditions let alone in snow drifts. Our church talked about cancelling services but then decided to go ahead; however, by 9 a.m. the snow was falling steadily and did so throughout the day. We also didn’t go out to a restaurant for Sunday dinner. I needed to shift my planned menu some. Monday and half of Tuesday we were snowbound. Our retirement community workers plowed out our driveway about 11:40 a.m. Tuesday, too late for me to make it to my 11:30 haircut appointment. When we woke up Tuesday morning, the pipes to our toilets had frozen. Not real easy to balance a bucket of water to flush while balanced on a knee walker either, but my husband did finally fill the empty toilet tank so I could use the flush handle instead. The toilets finally worked around 5 p.m. My husband had tried a hair dryer throughout the day, but it probably was the fact that the sun finally shone on the west wall that thawed things out.

 

Then this morning at 8:12 I received an automated call from my foot surgeon’s office; my appointment today was cancelled. Today was my 6-week follow-up and I was to learn if and how to start walking on my foot again. When I called the number given for rescheduling, the lady told me it would be February 3rd before I could see the doctor. No way! I asked about walking on my foot, and she transferred me to a nurse. The nurse managed to schedule an appointment with the Physician’s Assistant for Friday. I had to cancel my physical therapy appointment for Thursday also because without a new order from the doctor the therapist could not show me or try any new therapies.

Lots of letting go this week. I wish I could say I did it all peacefully, but there has definitely been anxiety. Makes me wish I had chosen a different phrase LOL.

Eye-lash Yarn Scarf

I finished the scarf. I didn’t have to learn how to incorporate a new ball of yarn after all. Plenty of yarn on the remaining ball. That eye-lash yarn is not dense; more yarn per ball than I imagined. 

We are snowbound right now. Our county is under a red alert warning asking no unnecessary travel take place. All of the schools and many businesses are shut down anyway.

Snow on the bird feeder “roof” is almost as high as the feeder

Wild Knitting

Anybody who pays attention to the news knows that many of us in the Midwest and Northeast have been blasted with snow and extremely cold temperatures. Today is the reprieve for us northern Hoosiers. Sunshine, blue skies, and high up around 30, though windy. However, we are bracing for another 7 inches or so of snow on top of the 5 already on the ground. Tonight into tomorrow will be quite different from today. We have already received an email alert from our church telling us to watch for a decision about having church tomorrow. Even if church service is held, I might not make it out. Deep snow doesn’t cooperate well with knee walker wheels. Monday and Tuesday we are forecasted to have highs below zero degrees. Usually, the Juncos are ground feeders, but until my husband made footprints out to the bird feeder, they perched on the feeder shelves.

 My husband and I react differently to extreme winter conditions. He gets cabin fever and looks for any excuse or reason to get out of the house. I like to cocoon. We have already put together 2 of the 3 jigsaw puzzles I received for Christmas. I do have 2 more library books to read. I also decided to try knitting again.

 When I saw the ball of yarn at the give-and-take table I took it thinking someday I might want to try knitting again. This was before I even injured my foot. I liked the colors and the softness of the yarn. I had no picture in my mind what this might look like when knitted up.

I have since learned it is eye-lash yarn. There is a thread/cord with all of these fluffy outcroppings. My scarf knitting book from Half-Price Books has a boa done in eye-lash yarn. It is marked as Easy. I had to get some size 17 needles which turned out to be an unusual size and not readily available. I ended up buying the needles thru ebay; they arrived yesterday. I didn’t want a boa but thought I could modify the directions to make an ascot or small scarf to pin together with a broach. Now that I have tried knitting with this yarn, I would say it is not for the novice knitter. I am finding it difficult to tell what is the stitch for inserting the needle from the bunched up fluff. I started out casting on 10 stitches, the directions for the boa. But it kept growing. Apparently I was treating the bunched up fluff yarn as a stitch? When I reached 14 stitches I worried I would not have enough yarn. I decided to pull the project apart and start over. Big mistake! The yarn started snarling up. I kind of sabotaged my effort to conserve yarn as I had to cut apart the snarls. I will now have to look at the directions for switching to a new ball of yarn mid-project. Something new to learn.

This kind of yarn is not something I would have picked out for myself. However, the colors go nicely with some tops. One in particular I thought would be livened up by the colors. Maybe instead it will just look like something live is draped around my neck. Any way, it will be something to work on while cocooning and while watching Downton Abbey tomorrow night.

 

Enrolled at Last

When I called the healthcare helpline on Monday, I was told someone from the Advanced Resolution team would call me in 2-5 days to try to figure out why I was stuck in my enrollment process. I had chosen a plan, but the confirmation button would not work. I was surprised when I received a call that afternoon. The lady tried several things with no success; she said she would do some more research and call again on Tuesday. She did notice that I had two applications, one done online by me (actually a second try) and one done thru a phone interview in November when the only help they had to offer people who were stuck was to take information over the phone to be submitted later. I explained the phone results which I received via snail mail had errors and would mean gathering up income verification documents to submit to an office in Kentucky; she removed that application.

 

I tried to log on to my application Monday night and all I got were blank pages; no information would display. I decided to wait until Tuesday morning and try again. Tuesday everything displayed OK and when I clicked the Confirm button, it enrolled me in my chosen health insurance plan. I assumed the lady I had spoken with had fixed something. She called around 11 a.m. No, she thought it was still not useable. She was pleasantly surprised to find I had successfully enrolled. Maybe removing the “duplicate” application helped.

 

The next step is to pay. I will probably do that the end of this week. My insurance premiums will be less than half what I currently pay. There is a Pay button on the online account. Maybe it won’t work, but since I have an enrollment number I can always call the insurance company for help.

 

It is a big relief to finally be done with all of the healthcare.gov web problems and be enrolled. I have a higher deductible, but some of the other fees for prescriptions for example are less plus I won’t have to pay for my screening mammogram next fall. I think it will balance out OK. My current insurance, the Indiana risk pool insurance, is a PPO. The new one will not allow for out-of-network providers except in extreme extenuating circumstances. It does allow going out-of-network for urgent care and emergencies. I only use Obamacare for one year. 2015 I will have Medicare and probably a whole set of different problems. ;-)

 

My new year is starting out well. I hope yours does as well. Happy New Year to you.